Facebook
by xyukiiix
Summary: It's only official once you're married in Facebook.
1. Official

**Summary: A relationships not official until you get married on Facebook.**

**Warning! this is CRACK and my first atempt at it! They are NOT in character.**

**Dont own Bleach, if I did, Ichigo would still be able to see Rukia.**

* * *

**Facebook-1**

After a hard day of filling out paperwork as my new position as lieutenant you'd think I would like to relax right. Well, I enter my spiffy new room and rush over to turn on my expensive piece of technology.

Proved you wrong

No it's not the iPad.

Those are overrated. Mine is still in my used stuff.

Anyway, I wait as my laptop starts up and shit. Then I go on the biggest creation known to man-dead and alive-.

**Facebook**

_Cue sound of the heavens._

_Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh_

Let me sign in.

**Email : rkuchiki **

**Password: *******************

My password is soo not 1likestrawberries

Back off hoe

_Connecting__!_

…_._

**271 Notifications**

**36 Friend Requests**

**9 Invitations**

**Ichigo Kurosaki has poked you **

**Renji Abari has poked you**

Damn.

Alright, easy stuff first.

_You have poked Ichigo Kurosaki_

…**..**

Renji can wait. Heh

Yea I'm that badass

Fear me

Who wants to be my friend now besides everyone?

Smug much? Yes very, deal.

I don't know him

Don't know her

I would never-ever-be friends with a dude called Scooter Douchey. It's like against the law.

My law bitch.

Ughhh

I DON'T WANNA PLAY FARMVILLE WITH YOU RENJI!

Like fer reals, I have a life. I have better things to do than Farmville.

Like Ichigo

Yes definitely gots to do Ichigo

Mhmm

I don't feel like checking my notifications but if I don't, they never end!

They keep going and going…like the energizer bunny. BUNNIES FTW

_You've bee- _Blah blah blah

Is all I see while my pretty little orbs skim through the list until something caught my eye.

_Ichigo Kurosaki has tagged you in his status._

Well that's interesting. How can I **not** look?

Clickity click.

**Ichigo Kurosaki: **nothing makes you feel better than to know you have a personal bitch. Right **Rukia Kuchiki?**

_5 people like this._

What the fuck!

Im soo commenting.

_**Dear dickhead,**_

_**You must suffer brain damage if you think I am your bitch. You are MY bitch you got that! Cuz I am the master pimp and you are my man bitch. Feel my wrath and hear me roar!**_

_**Meow.**_

That ought to teach him. Oh I forgot!

_**Btw**_

_**I liked this to unlike it. Suck on that!**_

Yup

I'm happy now

Happy

I clicked home and saw all the news feeds that the world decides I should know about

**Kenpach Zaraki:** ichigo you bastard be a man and fight me you pussy

_4 people like this_

_You__and 4 people like this_

Har har loser

**Orihime Inoue:** should I tell him how I feel?

_2 people like this_

Let's skip this one

**Ulquiorra Shiffer **has uploaded a new photo

_214 people like this_

Dude

I thought he was dead…

**Winry Rockbell: **I pwnd **Edward Elric. **He's my bitch. Man bitches FTW.

_12 people like this_

_You and 12 people like this_

_**Amen sister! Pwn that bitch good!**_

_**Its never too late for foreplay ;)**_

Such a good friend.

Hmmm what should I put as my status? I tapped my fingers against my laptop while I sat deep in thought. Well everybody knows he's my bitch.

I need to do something new…

I'll just scribble in some crap now.

**Rukia Kuchiki:** love is fucked up. Like fer reals

Woah

Holy nut fucker!

154 comments already, which means notifications galore

Sheit

_**I love you**_

_**Marry me**_

_**You're amazaziiiiiiiing! :D**_

_**You fiiiiiiiiiiine**_

_**Rukia FTW**_

_**Damn you sexy**_

Ahh

People love me!

**Ichigo Kurosaki has poked you.**

Oh this is war!

_You poked Ichigo Kurosaki._

Yes, yes I did.

Oh lookie here! He tagged me again!

Clickity click

**Ichigo Kurosaki**: **Rukia Kuchiki **is a bitch. My sexy bitch. Captains meeting- later

_459 people like this_

_You and 459 people like this_

Damn Imma sexy bitch!

I KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DO TODAY!

Log out.

**Email: rukiashoe **

**Password: ***************

His password is so not 2sexi4mypants

Which he is, mind you

_Connecting!_

**453 Notifications**

**32 Friend Requests**

**3 Invitations**

**Rukia Kuchiki has poked you**

**Orihime Inoue has poked you**

**Renji Abari has punched you**

**Byakuya Kuchiki has ****Senbonzakura'd you**

How. The. Hell

That's not what I'm here for. No distractions…

Who am I kidding

_You went banki on Byakuya Kuchiki's ass_

That's right, I beat his ass.

Ok so I tweak here do this there and voila.

….

Yea I'm that badass.

….

* * *

Ichigo had just gotten back from a captains meeting and had just returned to his office. Knowing his petite girlfriend had a lieutenants meeting next, he took his time and slowly signed on to his Facebook.

What he saw blew him away.

Relationship status.

**Rukia Kuchiki is now married to her bitch Ichigo Kurosaki. She will now fuck the living daylighs outta him.**

**Rukia Kuchiki fucked you**

…

How. The . hell.

And let's not forget

**Byakuya Kuchiki murdered your ass.**

Why Facebook, why?

* * *

**So dont ask me what went though my head when i wrot this. i really dont know. **

**i hope it entertained you a bit.**

**i needed some distraction .**

**this week's bleach chapter (423 i think...) really messed me up :(**

**how can it end for them like that? **

**i will not give up!**

**to show my dedicaton i even made a video today too!  
if your into the sad but meaningful ichiruki vids then i suggest you see it.**

**.com/watch?v=2FRMzeYDW0U**

**leave a comment my way loves!**


	2. Fangirls and Jealousy

**Facebook 2**

I always wanted a normal life. I knew I was screwed the moment I first saw the light …and my orange hair….

Fml

Some years later, I've got supernatural powers, abusing girlfriend/wife and a physcopath of a brother-in-law.

No, no. Byakuya isn't that bad. Him I can hurt. There is something I fear more-after Rukia, no sex, and Kenpachi-.

Something that you can't get rid of

Fan girls

FML x 2 plz

…

**182 Notifications**

**53 Friend Requests**

**11 Invitations**

**Rukia Kuchiki has tapped yo ass bitch**

**Orihime Inoue won't stop poking you**

**Kenpachi Zaraki has challenged you**

**Byakuya Kuchiki has declared war**

**Uryu Ishida has shot you with his gay Quincy arrows**

**Shirahatsuyuki and 143 others have raped you.**

I don't know where to start. No, yes I do.

_You banged Rukia Kuchiki _

How you can do this on Facebook? Dunno, just can

I don't want to poke Inoue; she might get the wrong idea. And if I give her the wrong idea, Rukia gives me the right hook….and no sex.

_You ran away from Kenpachi Zaraki like a little wussy._

What the hell! I'm not a wussy. I beat up Aizen for crying out loud! No one can stop me because I'm super strong. Come to think of it I am a fucking superhero!

Bow down to my sexy glory bitches

I don't know why Byakuya insists with this. I'll just cyberneticly kick his ass. I'll ignore him for now…heh heh yea that'll piss him off.

I love how devious I am.

Haha! They called Ishida's arrows gay! Facebook you are my hero!

…

Curse you Facebook!

How do explain to Rukia that my innocence was stolen…by 144 people. I feel dirty.

No wait, never mind, she took it first. Dirty thoughts

…

Happy, dirty thoughts

Daaaayum! I have 96 wall posts.

And they are all from girls who want my fine ass.

HAR HAR

Some of these chicks are really creeping me out.

Some say they have locks of my bright hair under their pillows….scaaaaaaary shit man.

_**You're sexy and hot! My boyfriend's totally jealous.**_

_**I love you!**_

_**Go out with mee!**_

_**Get naked**_

_**I have boobs!**_

_**I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT!**_

I lol'd at the last one. Everybody knows that one. Rukia, duuuuuuuh

Fo sho

I look at the rest to see if there's something important and I see Shinji

_**Ichigo let's get drunk maaaan**_

_You like this_

I told you it was important!

I really need to get Renji a girlfriend or something. Him and Kira. They have nothing better to do than play Farmville, those morons. Mafia wars are sooo much better.

No matter how many times Kenpachi announces he wants to fight me, doesn't mean I'll change my answer. I mean seriously, I like my life right now thank you very much!

All of these friend requests are from half-naked ladies I have absolutely no interest in. but meh, whatever. It's not like I know them. I'm not a jackass, I'll add them. No harm done right?

…

* * *

Meetings suck monkey ass! Like fer-fucking-seriously. Those things are like totally useless. It's probably just an excuse to get away from paperwork. We do nothing anyway. Well maybe except for me helping my captain Ukitake and all. But other than that, lieutenants just follow captain's orders and do paperwork.

I sigh as I glide my way into my office, hearing the two idiots arguing about who Ukitake likes better. Heh, those fools, it's obviously me. Everybody fucking loves me! Don't you? No? Well a fuck you too, thank you very much…

Can you feel the loooove tonight….yea that's all I know.

After arranging my papers, cleaning my desk, and preparing my expensive tea that I don't even drink-it made me look professional-, I realize I only have one hour left of pure boredom. One hour until I go home with Ichigo and have hot sweaty...STOP THE TRAIN.

With no distraction whatsoever, I fall to the temptation which is my computer and go on my cursed addiction.

I'm such a Facebookworm.

Is that the word? You know like tweet-a-holic.

Back to the point. Seeing as I only have about an hour left, I don't even bother looking at my notifications and such-which is a crime- and this catches my attention.

**Ichigo Kurosaki is now friends with Immas Lut and 52 others.**

What the fuck…

Immas Lut

Like 'imma slut'

NO YOU DIDN'T GIRLFRIEND!

Well this is lovely, my boyfriend has a friend named Immas Lut

FML

You know, I've never been the type of person to go snooping around and curiosity took over my small sexy self and I gave in.

And I did **not **like what I saw.

* * *

Ukitake was in his office being cool going about his daily schedule. He was quite peaceful, drinking his preferred tea, hearing his two subordinates argue outside his door. He rolled his eyes as he chuckled. What a routine.

He sighed contently and drank another sip of his tea when.

"**WHAT THE FUCK!"**

'Mental note; stay away from Kuchiki-san'

'Mental note2; change pants

* * *

I'm too worked up to care how loud I was. You wanna know why?

Ok, I'll tell you just because I'm da shit.

Ichigo is friends with a buncha skanks!

His wall is covered by their disgusting love notes!

Take a look.

_**You're sexy and hot! My boyfriend's totally jealous.**_

Well no friggen duh! He should be! Bitch

_**I love you!**_

Hahaha, he doesn't love you! Bitch

_**Go out with mee!**_

No, he's taken. He's miiiiiiiine. Bitch

_**Get naked**_

He will, with me thank you very much! Bitch

_**I have boobs!**_

WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Bitch

_**I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT!**_

So do I! Me! BITCHHHHHHHH!

I will not stand for this. Something needs to be done. And I know what.

* * *

I am tempted, oh so very tempted. The computer screen is right in front of me, mocking me. So far, all of my work is done. Papers are sorted, barrack is clean, and all of my captain's work is done! I only have 15 minutes till I'm home free. Maybe I should take Rukia to dinner. Hmm

Ahhhh

The computer is calling me!

Meh, what the hell, it's only for ten minutes. I do have to turn it off soon anyways.

Strange, I only have 1 notification. Hallelujah

**Rukia Kuchiki wrote on your wall**

Even more strange. Rukia never writes on my wall. She messages me and tags me but never writes on my wall.

Oh wow.

_**Ichigo Kurosaki is MY fucking property! Got that!**_

_**MIIIIIIIIIINE! You bitches better leave him alone and stop ogling him!**_

_**If you even talk to him I swear I will hunt you down and not even the flames of hell will melt the ice I freeze your ass in! Bitch!**_

Well that was explicit…

_You like this_

And I thought I had issues.

I click on her name to write her a not when I come across her wall

OH **HELL** NO

Is that Taylor Lautner?

IT'S ON!

* * *

**_Well this is chapter two. I hope you like it! You all should take advantage of the fact that I'n actually active._**

**_xD _**

**_Well I'd like to thank all of my loved reviewers who found my humor funny! And this is dedicated to you all! _**

**_I do want to specifically thank Ojou-sama for pointing out my errors. Mosof them are intentional though for the humor of the story. But thank you! ;)_**

**_DeviantHollow23 , I'd never thought I'd get a review from you! It made my day to see i actually entertained you! :D_**

**_Goranus, Thank you for seeing my video too! ;3_**

**_and all of you who lol'd at Byakuya! _**

**_Again, you guys are my life ^^_**

**_I'm looking for suggestions for the topic f the next chapter. _**

**_If you have one, I'd love to hear it!_**

**_I'm probably boring you now so I'll go._**

**_remember to Review!_**


	3. The Rise of Marcus Pam

**Marcus Pam**

I usually consider myself as a mature being. Yes I do beat the living daylights out of people (namely my dad), but anger management is something we'll talk about another day.

Today's issue, when I, **Karin Kurosaki**, created a fake Facebook account to spam people.

To be honest I'm not the most popular girl in the world...I (surprisingly) noticed that in 8th grade.  
So now I find my self 18 and lonely, except with the usual invite from Yuzu to go hang out with her friends...the bitches. I love Yuzu, I really do but she's too gullible for her own good.

I always said I would never stoop as low as to become obsessed with the Internet seeing as my number one passion was soccer, but it happened.

And as Flo Rida says, shawty got low low low low low low low low.  
It all went down like this

* * *

"Gaah darn it!" I hear Yuzu exclaim from her room. I get up and sigh. She only uses darn it when she's extremely frustrated... Usually it's when She tries to wrap her boobs so they don't look so damn big. Haha. She developed like orihime with them huge tits. I on the other hand, am quite pleased with my boobs. I'm secretly relieved that Ichigo's gonna marry Rukia. Not only is she badass but I don't have to worry about suffocating or getting my head stuck in my in-laws boobs...  
Aaah speaking of which

What kind if bee makes milk?...

... A boobie!

Haha I lol'd

Damn, Trailing...,

Ok so I'm headed over to Yuzu and instead of seeing her buried into a pile of clothes or makeup or well... Shit. I see her perfectly fine on the computer...

Debating on wether I should just leave or not, I hear low grumbling.

"The hell Yuzu?" I asked or well grunted.

"It's horrible!" she exclaimed not even looking at me. And it pissed me off I might add

"What?" I barked out

"Renji!"

Now at this I had my "what the fuck" face on. But little idiot couldn't see it.

"Elaborate"  
"He keeps spamming me on Facebook darn it!" ahh there's the darn it again!

"Crap now Ichigo and Toshiro did too!" she whined as I was left in shock from her saying crap

"Waaah the world is out to bury me in spaaaam! Don't look at me! I'm a monster!" she wailed loudly letting herself fall from the chair and on to the floor while I thanked Kami that my dad wasn't here. Or else I'd have to deal with both.

Le sigh

"Um there there Yuzu, its um...alright?..." i said while patting her back awkwardly. "Spam will come and go all you have to do is not let it get to you."

"Really?" she asked while poking her head up

"Uh yea, just show the shit who's boss"

"You're right!" she said with determination while hopping up on her chair again and busied herself while she happily went through her spam. "thanks Karin!"

"Whatever," it's not I have anything better to do...

As I was leaving i just happened to be amused by the was she was mumbling.  
"Mark as spam, mark as spam mark as spam mark as spam mark as spam mark as spam..."

And then it hit me..

Marcus Pam huh... Hehe  
30 minutes later, I now pronounce myself Marcus Pam on the Facebook. Score!

Then I wait.

Sniff sniff.

I ain't got no fwiends!

Yuzus nice she never ignores anyone right  
Friend invitation sent!

1 Mississippi  
2 Mississippi  
3 mississippi  
4 Mississippi  
I need more friends...

-20 minutes later-

Haha fuckers! Who has 520 friends now bitch! And all in one day! I believe I deserve a smiley face! (: fuck yes.  
Basically I have like half of the soul society... Yes the soul society. The living are so overrated...except for Alex Gaskarth... Oh sweet baby Kami. All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Alex.

Amy is sooo old, Britney you lesbo.

"Yes.", I'm ready for my master plan.

**Hahahehehahahooo**

* * *

"Raaaah" I hear from the other side of the room causing me to be alert. Rukia only uses rah when she's too pissed off to form other words and or profanities. Mostly profanities

"**Raaah**" i can't help but chuckle

"Like a dungeon dragon?"

At that she turned at me and huffed.

"Ichigo! It's not funny. I'm getting so much spam!"

I really wanna lmfao. But that wouldn't be smart of me. So I decided to comfort her.

"There there babe, it's uh, alright. You know spam comes and goes, but you know what we gotta do?"

"What?"

"Beat the Shit outta it!" I shout pumping my fist in the air. this is sounding more exciting by the second!

She chuckles that sexy little chuckle and smiles.

"Fuck yea!"

15 minutes later

"Rukia!" I yell rushing into the 4th squad barracks to find half of the 4th squad trying,yes trying, to restrain my girlfriend from a pathetic groaning Renji.

Lmao. Dont laugh don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh

"Rukia what did you do!" I yell  
Deciding to help the little weaklings holding my woman down.

"She shot me!" Renji moaned

No she didn't _no she didn't_**no she didn't **

"What!" I looked at her and she smiled. All of the Shinigami in the fourth squad just looked at each other and shruged.

"Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots"

"**Everybody**!"

Well fuck

* * *

Glare.

Emergency meetings suck. Especially when the old fart is glaring at me for "inappropriate conduct". I'm not saying sorry to Renji if that's what he wants. Fucker deserved it. One by one I took Em down (down down down dowwwwn.) No more fucking farmville or mafiawars or petville or shit! Down with the spammers!

I only have one left. Marcus Pam. Age 32 location Yoma Ma. Occupation Yomaming  
He will die.

"Ms Kuchiki!" oh yea the old fart...imma slap a bitch!

"Yes captain?"

...or not

"What is this I hear about sending Abarai and multiple others into the infirmary and Izuru into a coma?" he asks in his old raspy voice.

"In my defense, Lt. Izuru fainted before I even beat him up!"

Which was true! That little wussy

"Ms Kuchiki!"

Time for Plan B -KPB

Kiss ass, Play victim, Blame Ichigo  
Flawless system really

Haha

"Please Captain Commander accept my deepest apologies. You see I've been so frustrated, I've been getting so much spam! I just couldn't take it anymore! And I'm just so weak when im emotionally down! Then Ichigo said to destroy them and I-I-I just I don't even know what came over me"

I smirked as I heard Ichigo sputter.

"Spam huh... Did you get them all?" he asked conversationally obvious surprising all of the captains

"Yes sir, well no. All except this Marcus Pam. I dunno who the hell that dipshit is!"

...errr I don't think o was supposed to word it like that...

...

And here comes the awkward silence.

"Yea! I've been looking for that bastard everywhere! Little shit lied! He doesnt live in yoma ma"

Oh Kenpachi you make my day!

"Oi Kurosaki! You laughing at me huh you little week bastard!"

And apparently Ichigo's

"I Oder all court guard squads so find this Marcus and take him down!"

Oh how heart sings!

"Yea sir!"

"Hell yea"

"Down with the spam"

"All hail Kuchiki!"

Hail me bitches, yes Byakuya, even you hail me!

"Let's go get a fucker"

Looks like I have my Status!

Oh yes life is good.

* * *

**Well I've been gone long enough right?**

**I'm not a funny person, personally I'm surprised how many people like this! You guys are amazing! 40 reviews in 2 chapters! **

**Major lovage on my part! **

**This is a 2 part entry and I took a different approch to it, But fear not the Facebook format will return after the second part.**

**I hope it doesn't fail to amuse you guys! **

**Much love and Review if you can! :3**


End file.
